Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
