I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
