just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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