Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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