I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
