my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
