my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
