then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
