I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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