Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
