I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
