My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
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