i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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