You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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