Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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