Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
