new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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