I wish I only lived at night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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