guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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