i will never coherently bang her
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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