and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
