Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
