Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
