Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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