I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
