she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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