I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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