He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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