8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
