1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
