Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
