____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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