I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Enjoy the penises
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
