You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
