all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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