i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
how drunk are you?
Several
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
