Swine flu is the new snow day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
