Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
