Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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