You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
