Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
