Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
