I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
