This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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