I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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