I can text with my tongue
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....