Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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