Texts From Last Night

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  (909): View more from California

  flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart

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  (909): flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart http://tfl.nu/bteu
  Replies (17) Good night (5118) Bad night (2019)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.

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  (713): Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake. http://tfl.nu/b27h
  Replies (19) Good night (741) Bad night (5258)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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  (281): I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve. http://tfl.nu/asc9
  Replies (6) Good night (6861) Bad night (1268)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing

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  (203): And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing http://tfl.nu/3kjo
  Replies (18) Good night (4025) Bad night (1012)
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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  (936): Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance http://tfl.nu/8uw4
  Replies (38) Good night (2159) Bad night (10141)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man

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  (785): I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man http://tfl.nu/ay55
  Replies (10) Good night (2796) Bad night (805)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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  (724): For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you. http://tfl.nu/dykx
  Replies (8) Good night (3532) Bad night (924)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon

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  (859): She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon http://tfl.nu/ch80
  Replies (5) Good night (1698) Bad night (685)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate

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  (856): Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate http://tfl.nu/thdo
  Replies (3) Good night (1169) Bad night (584)
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  (760): View more from California

  The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.

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  (760): The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here. http://tfl.nu/qr6c
  Replies (3) Good night (597) Bad night (974)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.

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  (727): Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit. http://tfl.nu/berc
  Replies (5) Good night (1671) Bad night (605)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?

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  (770): Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again? http://tfl.nu/c4dt
  Replies (4) Good night (1436) Bad night (460)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover

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  (214): If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover http://tfl.nu/4860
  Replies (6) Good night (363) Bad night (842)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.

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  (+44): You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request. http://tfl.nu/91tf
  Replies (3) Good night (834) Bad night (214)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."

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  (508): he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola." http://tfl.nu/spva
  Replies (0) Good night (563) Bad night (199)

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