I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
