So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
