I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
