My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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