You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
