Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
