Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
third nipple confirmed
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
