Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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