I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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