There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
