What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
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Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.